How were you sure that you and Shaka weren’t meant to be with each other anymore? How did you know the relationship wouldn’t get better in time?
Initially I wasn’t sure. There was a small part of me—the hopeless romantic—that hoped we’d find our way back to each other. That little question in the back of my mind—Are we meant to be together?—kept me from completely letting go. I kept remembering the letters and the visits and the beauty of growing in love. Those memories kept me stuck.
I knew our meeting wasn’t by chance. I kept asking God why—Why did we meet? Why didn’t we work out? I prayed almost daily, trying to make sense of it all. One day I heard God say, “Let go,” and for some reason those words hit different that day. I’d heard that little voice saying let go countless times before, but I didn’t know how to let go. He was all I’d known for nearly nine years. I asked God, “Let it all go?” And the answer was simply, “Yes.” All the broken promises. All the hurt. All the what ifs. The expectations. The happily-ever-after. In that moment I chose to trust God. I stopped replaying the fairytale ending I had in my head and accepted things for what they were. That meant accepting an alternate ending. That maybe “meant to be” doesn’t mean you are meant to spend the rest of your lives together as a couple. We did some incredible work together and I am grateful for the love we shared, for the life we created, the ideas we birthed, and the hearts we touched.
To answer the second part of your question, I think our relationship could have gotten better with therapy, but we no longer wanted the same things so I think we would have still ended up here. We had started growing apart months after he came home, and the uncomfortable truth is that we were no longer good for each other. Accepting that truth wasn’t easy, but it was an important part of my healing.